DEAR ABBY: Although my spouse and I are no longer romantically involved, I consider us to be “life partners.” After cancer rendered him impotent, he eschewed all forms of physical love. I was involved in an extramarital affair for four years. Last year, my lover died away. I have no desire for physical contact with my spouse, but I miss being affectionate and in a (not necessarily sexual) love relationship.
I feel void, and I’m unsure if we should consider divorce or maintain our pattern of being socially close but otherwise distant. We no longer share a bedroom, and we rarely interact with one another. He has recently been more verbally and emotionally aggressive during fights, maybe as a result of his recent reconnection with his brother, a convicted felon who abused his wife. I do not know which route to choose. — HOPELESS IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HOPELESS: Your connection with your husband does not meet the standard definition of “marriage.” Ask your spouse in the least contentious manner possible if he wants to remain married to you or divorce you. Explain your needs to him and inquire whether he is willing or able to provide them. I cannot fathom why you would choose to remain in an abusive relationship. Before communicating with your spouse, consult a divorce attorney for advice on how to safeguard your interests and guarantee he does not attempt to hide his (and your) assets.
DEAR ABBY: I accepted a job offer and moved to a different state. My wife wanted to remain so that our children may complete their schooling at their birthplace. For the past twenty months, we have traveled between the state where I work and our hometown. I suppose she is uncomfortable with the thought of relocating, despite the fact that it is a worthwhile investment and affords our family a quality of life not found in many other regions.
Much of my time is spent trying to appease her, especially when our teenage children are at odds. We have been actively searching for schools in my new city, but our relocation issue remains unresolved. Advice? — LONG-DISTANCE HUSBAND/DAD
DEAR LONG-DISTANCE: I wish you had stated your wife’s employment status outside the house. Does she have a profession she is unwilling to abandon? If no, continue your search for schools in the new community. Then, call a real estate agent for assistance in locating a suitable residence for your family. Once you have limited it down to a few options, allow your wife to examine them with you and select the one she deems most appropriate.
Then, if she doesn’t want to move, she should say so, allowing you to decide whether to sacrifice your vision for the future of your family, continue a long-distance marriage, or return to the town you left so you can all be together.
Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, writes Dear Abby, which was started by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or Los Angeles, California 90069, P.O. Box 69440.
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