Through cohousing, I was able to acquire a home after my divorce. Together with another single mother, I acquired a four-unit apartment complex in 2020, and a third woman joined us in 2021. We had financial advantages and healthy children.
The response to The Siren House’s viral success was overwhelmingly positive. Many individuals requested more personal and practical information. Some questioned the disadvantages, while others wanted to know what would occur if one of us decided to leave.
It actually occurred, and it wasn’t pretty.
The handshake agreement safeguarded us against financial harm, but not heartache.
Since 2016, my first cohousing partner and I have been acquainted. Due to our long-standing friendship, we understood we had to approach cohousing with written agreements.
We established that our beliefs were compatible, and I quickly drafted our official manifesto to serve as a conflict resolution tool. My co-investor labored to ensure that all of our legal paperwork was in order.
Early in 2021, we offered one of our renters a rent-to-own opportunity. She accepted, and the co-tenancy agreement now includes her buy-in terms informally.
Midway through 2022, she desired to leave. By June, we were no longer communicating face-to-face. By July, the situation was quite poisonous.
We all made errors, learnt from them, and emerged with scars.
We all agreed that if one of us chose to terminate the arrangement, we would use our manifesto and legal agreements as a guide and cross that bridge when it came. As divorced women, we are acutely aware that nothing is permanent; therefore, prenuptial agreements, parenting agreements, and contracts are essential for preserving our assets and children.
Divorce also provided us with the knowledge that we would survive a breakup and likely emerge from the experience stronger.
I process information at the speed of light and make decisions based on my instincts. When I am nervous or concerned, I make rash decisions that result in unintentional mistakes.
We moved too quickly
We moved into The Siren House collectively in the summer of 2020. I realize now that I should have waited four seasons before offering a rent-to-own option to the basement tenant. Over the course of a year, I would have been able to have a deeper understanding of her problems and pressures without comparing them to my own.
Speaking of too much, too fast, we also decided to co-found a small business.
If I had waited four seasons before offering the buy-in, our personal and professional relationships would have been different.
We would have been in a better position to support one another if we hadn’t simultaneously acquired a new residence, a new business, new romantic partners, and new occupations.
Recognize and treat financial trauma
The separation was precipitated by financial strain. All three investors in our property have experienced some form of financial pain, and I grossly overestimated the impact this would have when times went tough.
The food-service business we established was intended to generate profits for the owner. We all recognized the high failure rate of food enterprises and devised a six-month plan. When the business failed to provide the necessary profits and income, the pressure mounted on all of us.
Just as our cohousing narrative became viral in the early spring of 2022, we learnt that the company was insolvent and had large debts.
At the moment, I was enraged beyond measure by this news. I was provoked. I did not comprehend why people were making judgments that blatantly defied our manifesto’s beliefs.
I found her conduct to be deceptive and lacking in honesty. My girlfriend felt my behavior to be condescending and authoritarian.
In the beginning, none of us had a good knowledge of our own financial hardships. This opaqueness generated hostility on all three sides, which precluded us from collaborating on financial decision-making.
Establish clear limits in your relationships.
We addressed this matter with rage, resentment, discomfort, and agony, but not legal action, because all of us at The Siren House are good human beings suffering from financial trauma, emotional trauma, and several stressors.
She has left. She absolved the two surviving business partners of any responsibility for business debt.
I will continue to practice healing my financial trauma and stating my needs and boundaries clearly and fairly. In addition, they will have the opportunity to evaluate my position in their life.
Clarity, common comprehension, and specific commitments enable people collaborate and make better decisions by establishing accountability mechanisms. I am aware of this through business consulting and my association with The Siren House’s original investor. It is my responsibility to slow down, observe, and learn moving ahead so that I do not repeat my mistakes when we welcome the next tenant into our house.
Holly Harper established the companies Anagram Consulting, Blue Bike Communications, and Siren Foundry. She is a business consultant, philosopher, and sociologist, as well as the author of “The Deal of the Dollhouse: How Toxic Self-Care Almost Destroyed Me.”