DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I recently gave birth to a child, which has caused huge complications with my mother and in-laws. Mom is a sad person who attributes her misery to others and external things. She expresses her discontentment to me. She is really envious whenever we spend time with my partner’s family. She makes disparaging remarks about them to me and asks how much time we devote to them.
It is stressful to have her in the same room as any member of my partner’s family. It scares me out much more when she asks if I’ve seen them. We spend considerable time with both families and see them each once every week. Moreover, Mom visits once per week and stays for dinner to see the infant.
My companion is extraordinarily supportive and caring. He continues to invite my mother into our house and to treat her with respect. Yet, I do not believe it is fair for my spouse to be treated unjustly and to be aware that their mother speaks negatively about their family. I’ve attempted to discuss this with my father, but he says things like, “That’s just way she is; you can’t change someone. Just remain neutral.”
I feel helpless and unsure of what to do – give Mom an ultimatum regarding her behavior, never have both families in the same room, or relocate? I attempted to speak with both of my parents. That had no effect on her behavior. Any guidance? — CONCERNED ABOUT THIS IN WASHINGTON
DEAR STRESSED: Although you cannot alter your mother’s disposition, you may influence her conduct. The next time she inquires about the amount of time you spend with your partner’s family, you should respond, “Mom, you already know the answer. Quit asking.” The next time she makes a disparaging remark about them, tell her you understand how she feels, you care about these individuals, she’s making you uncomfortable, and she should stop. That may require repetition, but you may ultimately understand. If this does not occur, you may see her less frequently, which would be a relief.
DEAR ABBY: I am a widow with a long-standing relationship to a widower. His bond with his 27-year-old daughter causes me concern. She desires time with him apart from me, and he supports this while concealing it from me. Recently, they traveled out of state together without his knowledge. I find this to be peculiar and perplexing. He claims she suffers from anxiety and must spend time with him. Should I be anxious? — EXCLUDED IN OHIO
DEAR EXCLUDED: There is a reason why your male friend and his daughter must conceal their time together from you. It may be because you appear to disapprove of his spending time alone with his daughter. He should not have to justify or explain his actions. He is her only remaining parent. If you and he have sufficient alone time to maintain a healthy relationship, I see no cause for concern. If you cannot accept that they are a unit, you should seek for a different gentlemen buddy.