When my now-fiancé Bryan and I purchased a home together at the beginning of the pandemic, neither of us had ever lived with a partner before, and we fought over everything from different sleep cycles to varying desires for alone time.
The more we argued, the more I questioned whether our relationship had simply hit a momentary snag or whether we were mismatched in some way.
Couples therapists assert, however, that even the healthiest marriages experience hard periods, which may involve more frequent arguments or a feeling of disconnection. In addition, you can use these stages as an opportunity to focus on aspects of your relationship that need improvement, thereby strengthening your connection.
It required a concerted effort from both Bryan and I to enhance our communication patterns. Despite this, we were able to not only survive the shift, but thrive as a result of our improved knowledge and appreciation for one another.
1. Request what you require
Most relationship difficulties are caused by unfulfilled needs, such as not feeling like your partner:
Simply said, relationship troubles may not necessarily necessitate a breakup. Bryan and I found the following tactics recommended by experts to be useful throughout our hard stretch.
Doesn’t validate your emotions
Not as physically intimate as you would like.
Lacks respect and thanks for the sacrifices you have made.
According to Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist in private practice and the author of Mental Drive, identifying any unmet needs can help you and your partner get on the same page when pursuing change.
One technique to determine your requirements is to ask yourself, “What in this relationship makes me feel the most loved and cared for?”
Maybe at that point:
Your lover displays abundant physical devotion towards you.
They do things to make your life easy. They express their emotions to you.
Additionally, you can utilize your emotions as a guide. For example, if you frequently feel lonely, this could indicate that you are not spending enough quality time with your partner.
2. Express yourself using “I” phrases
I’ve learnt that articulating my requirements using a phrase that begins with “I” rather than “you” is an effective strategy.
For instance:
rather than saying: “You never inform me of your tardiness. You definitely do not care to keep me informed.”
Instead, I would say, “I’m irritated when you don’t let me know you have to remain late at work, and it would mean a lot if you could keep me informed so I know when you’ll be home.”
The “you” statement sounded accusatory, and despite the fact that I did not intend it as such, it placed Bryan on the defensive.
When I used the “I” pronoun, Bryan found it easy to understand my viewpoint and promised to keep me updated in the future.
Emily Rose Heard, a certified marriage and family therapist with Menlo Park Psychiatry, recommends scheduling these conversations at a time when you will be free of distractions and have the stamina to listen to one another. For instance, choose a peaceful afternoon over the end of a hard and stressful workday.
Organize valuable time
According to Omar Ruiz, a licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of TalkThinkThrive and Online Private Practice, scheduling date evenings at least once or twice a month can help inject your relationship with a feeling of interest, enthusiasm, and excitement.
Bryan and I were able to rediscover why we enjoyed being around each other by going on regular dates.
As an example, he once went me candlepin bowling. I initially found it difficult to enjoy myself because I was self-conscious about my lack of expertise, but he cheered me on and offered gentle guidance, which reminded me of his encouraging and helpful character.
Keep in mind that date night does not necessarily require an expensive restaurant meal. Due to a limited budget, we had to be resourceful and come up with additional enjoyable yet inexpensive activities, such as:
Park picnics
Bicycle tours around the city
Local sunset hikes
Homemade pizza nights
Mini golfing
Apple harvesting
Participating in board games Concentrate on the good
It is easy to begin viewing your relationship through a negative lens when difficulties arise. Finding a few bright spots in a troubled relationship, according to Heard, can completely alter one’s viewpoint.
We tried the following two exercises:
Listing and then reading aloud five qualities that we love and appreciate about each other.
Sending each other a thank-you text message each morning for a week. We sent texts such as “Thank you very much for doing the dishes last night” and “I’m so grateful you listened to me whine about my job the other day.”
Concentrating on the positive qualities of our relationship provided us with renewed determination to persevere through a difficult period.
5. Exercise responding instead than reacting
Klapow argues that it is difficult to resolve an issue when you react rather than respond. Here is how to differentiate:
Reaction is a subconscious, reflexive protection system that is frequently activated by your emotions.
Responses are thoughtful and deliberate. It occurs when you’ve had time to absorb a situation and ponder the repercussions of your actions.
When Bryan and I first became aware of our propensity to react, we began to break the habit by taking a few deep breaths, verbalizing our internal experiences, and then becoming curious about our emotions.
For instance, he once made a joke about how I had arranged a cabinet. In the past, I could have responded defensively, but this time I decided to try something different.
I informed him, “Wow, something about the manner in which I received the news disturbed me. I believe it is because it reminds me of something my mother would criticize me with. Can you elaborate on your meaning?”
Before I replied out of hurt, embarrassment, or anger, my response provided him the chance to comprehend my sentiments and clarify his intentions.
6. Take a break when conflicts escalate
A key tactic that prevented me and Bryan’s disagreements from getting out of control? Pausing consciously to settle down.
Recognizing the physical indications of the fight-or-flight response, such as a quicker heart rate, was crucial for me, as it allowed me to take a step back before raising my voice or saying anything I subsequently regretted.
To clarify, a time-out does not entail leaving the room in the midst of an argument.
Heard suggests stating something along the lines of, “I don’t think I can give this conversation the intensity it deserves right now” or “This conversation is really triggering me.” Then, you can inform your partner that you need 20 to 60 minutes to cool down before continuing the talk.
After pausing, Ruiz suggests participating in a calming activity to divert your attention from the disagreement, such as:
According to Ruiz, deep breathing techniques can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which assists the body in returning to a state of relaxation. When I felt activated during a disagreement, Bryan urged me to take a few deep breaths alongside him, which helped me feel more grounded, present, and peaceful.
7. Make contact with a specialist
If you and your partner have done everything above and are still unable to meet each other’s needs, have productive disputes, or find ways to compromise, Klapow suggests it may be time to seek the assistance of a marriage counselor.
Licensed marriage and family therapists and clinical social workers can assist you in identifying and altering unhelpful habits and dynamics that contribute to relationship strain.
According to Heard and Klapow, the following are some of the most effective evidence-based therapy approaches for couples:
Emotionally focused therapy, which focuses on building trust, enhancing communication, and fortifying a relationship’s bond.
Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on recognizing and altering the negative thought patterns that influence your actions and behavior.
The Gottman Method focuses on enhancing intimacy, respect, and empathy in a couple’s relationship and assisting them in navigating conflict more effectively.
Imago relationship therapy focuses on examining how childhood traumas impact your current relationship, and then engaging in dialogues with your spouse to promote compassion and understanding.
If you cannot afford or gain access to treatment at this time, Klapow and Heard propose the following books that feature at-home exercises:
You also have the option of virtual counseling, or teletherapy, which is frequently more cost-effective. Consider the following online therapy options for couples:
While Bryan and I have pondered therapy, neither of us has tried it yet. In spite of this, we appreciated the relationship-building activities on the app Lasting.
Understand when it is time to go on
With equal effort from both parties, the majority of relationships can be saved.
According to Ruiz, you should consider quitting a relationship if:
Your partner demonstrates neither a willingness to change nor a desire to find compromises.
Your partner does not respect your limits.
Your partner is physically, emotionally, verbally, and/or sexually abusive.
Remember that you are not alone if you are experiencing relationship violence, and that you have choices for getting help immediately. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) for compassionate assistance from experienced advocates who can assist you in determining safe next steps.
Insider’s takeaway
Relationships almost inevitably experience difficult times. However, if you view them as opportunities for growth and learning, they may bring you and your partner closer together.
“Much like building a muscle, the ability to navigate a breakdown safely strengthens the connection,” adds Klapow.
Working on responding rather than reacting, pausing during heated disputes, carving out meaningful time together, and concentrating on the positive sides of our relationship helped Bryan and I get through a difficult time.
In addition, our efforts helped us understand each other’s triggers, worries, insecurities, and needs better.
If these strategies do not significantly improve your relationship, experts recommend seeking additional assistance from a licensed couple’s therapist.
Rebecca Strong
Rebecca Strong is a freelance writer located in Boston who writes on health and wellness, food and wine, fitness, and travel. She has also written for Insider’s Health Reference and Kitchen verticals, as well as Healthline, Health magazine, Bustle, StyleCaster, PopSugar, AskMen, and Elite Daily. Her work can be followed on Twitter.