Commitment is essential for individuals in committed partnerships. However, commitment does not need a single-person focus nor does it imply that all excellent relationships are committed ones.
Nevertheless, if commitment is important to you and you or your partner(s) have commitment issues, you will all need to learn how to identify and resolve these issues for the sake of the health of your relationship. A lack of commitment in a relationship could indicate that neither you nor your partner are interested in maintaining the connection.
In fact, a 2014 study found that a lack of commitment is the leading cause of divorce.
According to Susan McClanahan, a certified clinical psychologist and co-founder of Spring Source Psychological Center, past unpleasant experiences might make it difficult for people to commit to a relationship.
If you are concerned that you or your partner(s) may have commitment issues, continue reading to discover more about warning signs and how to overcome a fear of commitment.
Consistent cancellation
A person with commitment concerns may unexpectedly cancel everything from dinner dates to weekend trips.
McClanahan states, “Once or twice, everyone will say, ‘My dog became sick, or my mother or father or sister or brother needed something.’” However, if the behavior is repeated, it indicates that the person is not emotionally open.
McClanahan says that this behavior is rude, regardless of whether the individual is nervous about the date or simply not interested.
Generally, you can anticipate a cancellation if the individual is ambiguous about dates or times, such as when they say, “Let’s meet on Saturday,” but refuse to fix a definite time.
Sending contradictory signals
A person who sends conflicting signals may be unsure of their own desire for a relationship, which may arise from commitment concerns.
“There is a portion of the individual that is intrigued and devoted,” says Ron Samarian, the chief of psychiatry at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak. “However, they are hesitant to totally commit out of concern that they may be wounded or miss out on a better opportunity if they do.” As a result of this internal uncertainty, their interests may appear to shift over time.
A person with commitment issues may also use the appearance of disinterest to maintain power in the relationship. According to McClanahan, committing to displaying interest in someone leaves you vulnerable and exposes the door to rejection. As a result, someone with commitment concerns may pull away as things become more serious in an effort to avoid rejection.
This might be challenging for the other(s) relationship partner(s). McClanahan argues that when your partner(s) appear interested, it helps you feel wonderful, yet when they become more aloof, you may feel “not good enough.”
Conflict avoidance
Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of “Should I Stay or Should I Go? : Surviving a Connection with a Narcissist,” suggests that if you and your partner(s) seldom dispute, it may be because they aren’t willing to put in the necessary effort to develop a long-term relationship.
A 2020 study on relationship discontent indicated that resistance to conflict is associated with relationship dissatisfaction. The study emphasizes the significance of couples realizing that “disagreement in romantic relationships is natural and is not indicative of a fundamental problem in the relationship.”
Conflict aversion may signal that one or both partners are not dedicated to having difficult conversations and working through them, or that they are struggling to commit to the relationship as a whole.
McClanahan states that she observes conflict avoidance most frequently in romantic relationships, but it can also manifest in friendships.
They avoid considering or discussing the future.
A classic indicator of commitment problems is when a spouse refuses to discuss the future.
McClanahan states, “There is an acceptable level of unwillingness to commit to the future.” You wouldn’t want to be with someone for a month before imagining your future with them in five years.
But between three to six months of dating, if both parties are serious in pursuing a long-term relationship, you should be able to see a long-term partnership.
The desire to commit might coexist with the fear that doing so will result in a grave error. Consequently, a person with commitment concerns may avoid making any future commitments.
However, Samarian believes this is ultimately a poor tactic. “If you ignore that for an extended period of time, the relationship will end,” he says. “You make a choice by avoiding commitment. It will fail if you do not finally address future concerns.”
Additionally, it is essential to be adaptable with regards to hopes or promises made early in a partnership. In long-term relationships, it’s typical to renegotiate shared ambitions and dreams.
5. They appear not to be fully present
According to Durvasula, many factors might cause a spouse to be disengaged, including feeling anxious or depressed.
However, according to McClanahan, it may also indicate commitment problems. She explains that a spouse may appear aloof because they are thinking about something else in which they are more invested. Occasionally, though, their distance serves as a form of defense to prevent them from being exposed.
This kind of distance might make it difficult for individuals to develop an intimate connection and advance their relationship. And it might be especially difficult for individuals without commitment concerns, as it is “difficult not to take that personally, even if it’s not,” McClanahan says. They may feel devalued, which is particularly worrisome if they have self-esteem difficulties.
Motives for commitment problems
Many relationship challenges stem from intimacy and attachment issues. For example, if a person has had bad relationships in the past, they may fear that the same thing will happen again, so they avoid committing.
Samarian says that a lack of positive relationship role models during childhood might also contribute to commitment troubles.
Occasionally, though, a person’s fear of commitment is rooted in their personality. According to Samarian, for them, avoiding commitment is akin to “searching for someone or something better.”
It is also quite OK for someone to not desire a committed relationship because this is not what they seek in a partner (s). Whether or not a relationship is committed does not determine its value; nonetheless, if all parties wish for the relationship to be committed, it is crucial that all parties demonstrate their interest.
How to conquer commitment problems
Is it possible to move past your commitment issues?
McClanahan states, “I have no doubt that it is something that individuals can overcome.” You may lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink.
She adds that for treatment to be effective, a person with commitment issues must realize their problems and actively desire to solve them.
Samarian states that couples counseling can be an effective technique to begin addressing commitment issues if both spouses are on board. People in relationships frequently benefit from therapy to learn how to be vulnerable with one another and make deeper commitments in a secure environment.
Be aware, however, that couples therapy can frequently result in a mutual breakup when a couple learns they are not compatible.
If a person’s anxieties of commitment stem from anxiety or trauma, individual counseling may be more appropriate. A person with a history of trauma may benefit from trauma-informed therapies, such as psychodynamically oriented treatments, according to Durvasula. Acceptance and commitment therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy can also be beneficial.
Other advice for those struggling with commitment concerns includes:
Practice arranging simple things in ahead, such as scheduling a concert a few weeks from now.
Engage in emotional communication with your partner.
More time spent with your partner
Insider’s takeaway
There is no single indicator of commitment concerns, but subtle symptoms like as repeated cancellations, confusing signals, and a reluctance to address the future may indicate hesitancy. Commitment issues are treatable, but only if the individual desires to change.
It is also worth noting that relationships can be healthy without commitment if it is not an essential element for any of the parties involved. Moreover, commitment is not always to a particular individual.
If you’re trying to determine whether you or your partner(s) may have commitment issues, McClanahan suggests asking yourself the following: “Does the relationship feel balanced, or do you feel like you’re carrying the majority of the load? This would be a [warning flag] that you are contributing significantly more to the relationship than the other person
Willa Hart