In New York City, Cindy Gallop, 62, is a brand and business innovator, consultant, coach, and keynote speaker. Gallop founded Make Love, Not Porn in 2009, after a career in advertising. By posting footage of ordinary individuals engaging in real, emotional, messy sex, the platform intends to facilitate open communication.
The initiative was motivated by Gallop’s personal experience dating younger guys, many of whom she could tell had only learned about sex from porn.
“I was thinking, ‘Wow, I recognize those moves’s origin!’” And a lot of obviously porn-influenced sexual conduct is motivated by the highest of ideals because they want to impress me, and they’re going to pull out those porn movements because they believe that’s what will please me,” she said. “I will definitely undertake the duty of re-education.”
This essay is an as-told-to account of a chat with Gallop. This document has been altered for both length and clarity.
I was raised with the same societal conditioning as the rest of us. My father is British and my mother is Chinese, and I was raised in Brunei. And this is what Asian culture is all about: getting married and having children. In my teens and twenties, therefore, this was the background.
However, as time passed, I discovered that I have no desire to get married. I have zero desire to procreate. I am one of those individuals who is happiest when on their own.
I absolutely enjoy my own company. I adore living alone. I adore being single. I can’t wait to pass away alone. I date younger men on a casual and recreational basis for sex, and it works out quite well.
I do not date men my age since I do not actively seek a relationship. Then, I desire sex. And when it comes to sex, I am a big lover of high stamina and quick recovery times. That’s not going to happen with males my age.
I am public about all of this because we need more examples of how to live a life that is radically different from the norm and still be incredibly happy.
First, I ceased my search for “the one.”
There were a few significant locations along the route. The first day is when I resolved to stop my search for “the one.”
Everything around us tells women from the moment they are born that their entire lives is a hunt for “the one.” However, at some point in my 30s, I said, “Fuck it. I’m no longer seeking for “the one.”
Oh my God, the excitement, happiness, and relief, as I could finally attend social events and enjoy myself without worrying, “Will he be there?”
The second milestone occurred when I began dating younger men by accident.
When I was the owner of an advertising business 20 years ago, we were invited to submit a proposal for the uDate online dating brand. I established a profile to experience the client’s product and the full competition landscape.
I was initially pleasantly surprised by the avalanche of responses. That is excellent for the ego. Second, I was stunned by the fact that 75% of the comments were from younger guys.
And I instantly understood that I was every young man’s fantasy: a career-driven woman who had no desire to marry, have children, or settle down. Instead, I simply desired to enjoy myself. Since then, I’ve been dating younger men very pleasantly.
Younger men value my assurance.
When I ask the men I date why they use cougar dating services, the most common response I receive is, “Girls my age are so insecure.” I can relate to this because I remember being in my 20s.
But if you are a young man dating a wonderful young lady who is insecure in bed — and I mean actually saying things like “don’t turn the lights on” and “I can’t get on top because my tummy will pooch” — it’s a pleasure to be with a woman who doesn’t care what you think of her appearance.
I’ve never been told I’m gorgeous as frequently as when I began dating younger men. Because I do not worry what others think of me, I am free to express my appreciation for my dates.
My primary criterion for dating young men is that they are very lovely.
Regardless of how casual the relationship, I have one fundamental prerequisite: they must be a very decent person. I have only dated completely charming younger men in an environment of mutual trust, respect, devotion, and adoration.
Ironically, as a result, my so-called casual relationships last much longer than most people’s so-called committed relationships, often for two, five, ten, or fifteen years.
I have met men who are the first in their families to attend college. I have encountered males that provide for their entire family. I’ve met men in military intelligence who perform incredibly fascinating, perilous, and impressive tasks.
They may date women of the same age, and they may marry women of the same age. We remain friendly. Occasionally, their relationships dissolve, and they return. It is quite lovely.
Thus, I do have relationships; yet, they differ from what society typically considers to be partnerships.
Those in search of committed partnerships could profit from my methods.
There is no better starting point for locating your soul mate than to make “must be a really good person” your number one criterion.
The second point is to detach oneself from the social evaluation of that person’s appearance and honestly ask yourself, “Am I attracted to them?”
Because too frequently, when you walk into a bar or café and see someone for the first time in real life, your first thought is, “What will my friends think if I walk into a party with this on my arm?” You desire socially sanctioned attractiveness.
Now, though, I am not. My main thinking is, “Will I want to take them home with me and f*ck them?”
The 2009 Ted Talk by Cindy Gallop introducing “Make Love, Not Porn” has received more than 2.6 million views.
Henry Hanford
The third point is that the last thing I want to do on a first date is chat about myself. I only wish to learn more about them.
When you’re a man in his twenties, you’ve rarely met someone so eager to learn everything about you and what you have to say. And that enhances their appeal to me.
Good sex is predicated on communication.
When we do not discuss sex freely and honestly in the real world, porn becomes sex education, and not in a positive way.
Many of us learn via porn that sex is exclusively dominated by men. It is all about the size and difficulty. This awful jackhammering syndrome exists. We’re led to believe that penetration is the only way to have sex, despite the fact that non-penetrating sex can be really enjoyable.
I’ve had moments in the bedroom where I’ve thought, “OK, I’m going to have to say something about this, and as soon as I do, the atmosphere will shift, but I have to do this for every other woman he will ever sleep with.”
I’ve discovered that men are exceptionally receptive to being instructed on how to truly entertain a woman. When you replace these pornographic actions with “Here’s what would be great enjoyable,” kids are ecstatic.
The three phrases I use most frequently are “slower”, “gentler”, and “don’t touch me down there until I ask you to” This is the abbreviated version.
But in reality, it’s as simple as describing what you’ll appreciate.
The sexiest thing in the world is to be in bed with someone and realize that they’re having a bloody fantastic time because of you. Not enough individuals have this opportunity. When you communicate with one another, you enable each other to do so.